Marriage is one of life’s most significant, and in many ways, difficult
responsibilities. It has, and makes, its own demands. A spouse, when
unable to cope with the stresses of his/her marital life, develops unhealthy
habits and qualities, which has far-reaching consequences for everyone
Times have certainly changed today. Interactions between couples have
taken a different turn now, even though the fundamental dissimilarities
remain the same. Quarrels have started taking new and different directions,
assuming serious proportions. These days, in the age of fast-track
conversations and time-bound interactions, as the factors of communication
between spouses become even more limited, couples seem to have very little
faith left in each other. Often, both spouses work, and consequently, develop
separate groups of friends, and by acting upon, in consonance with the so
called well-wisher’s advice, the affected parents end up lacking in common
interests and reasons for happiness and enjoyment. Due to this absence of
common grounds to bind them together, they slowly start drifting apart, and
in worst-case scenarios, this can ultimately lead to a complete breakdown of
communication which further undermines the very foundations of marriage.
This trend is now growing rapidly in the Indian set-up. Couples who disregard
the basic premises of the institution of marriage, unfortunately, end up
losing respect for their other halves, and this situation is further complicated
when they have kids. Even at a very early stage of such distancing and
disagreements, their kids’ mindset and psyche are very deeply affected. In
such cases, parents begin to find out very soon that their child is turning
hostile towards them and the consequences are almost always the same as
those in Kaka’s case.
A few words for parents!
Giving birth to a child is one of the most beautiful aspects of a couple’s
life. As a parent, you are rendering your most valuable creation to the society.
You can hold your head high now because you feel that you have added a
good civilian to the population. But you will have done your bit only after
reaching your goal of nurturing your child in the right manner. This frees you
from other challenging issues in your life such as old-age worries. Now you
are more competent and capable of acquiring enough strength to go ahead
and face the newer challenges in life.
No matter how much money you earn, and fame you garner, your
conscience will always mark you down as a ‘failure’ if you are unable to
provide your child with a good upbringing through the continuous projection of your
own problems relating to interpersonal relationships within your family.
If these personal problems get accentuated to such an extent as capable
of overpowering you, you will only end up detaching yourself from the quite
wonderful possibilities of family bonding and togetherness. As this situation
unfolds itself, in the ultimate analysis, your child will be unable to perceive
you in a positive light, because, as you fight restlessly inside the shell of your
own issues, your focus and priority shifts away from your family, very much
to your discomfiture. Eventually, it is your child who becomes the victim of
your frustrations, for the simple reason that you become so prone to giving
vent to your inner turmoil by throwing a tantrum against your own creation
that you ultimately keep distancing yourself and losing the vital emotional
connection that you share with your child.
A child, unable to fight back against his parents’ indifferent or harsh
attitude, begins to find himself helpless. Bitter, acrimonious arguments
between spouses (as in Kaka’s case) may fill a child with aggressive,
dangerous thoughts and this might lead him on to unforeseen, perilous paths.
When this aggression reaches its climax, he needs and searches for an outlet
to get rid of it and, more often than not, ends up manifesting it in harmful
Just take five minutes to form a mental picture of your child’s possible
misdeeds: aggression, addiction, substance abuse, delinquency, depression,
loneliness and withdrawal. Is this what you desire for him? Think about it.
Marriage is not a Herculean task. You have
accepted it willingly and for a valid reason
Marriage is a long journey. You need to equip yourself with all the
necessary qualities (psychological, physical and financial) to counter the
trivial or non-trivial problems of your family and present yourself as a
near-panacea for all the ills related to your spouse and kids. Adhere to the
basic family principles. After all, you have taken a vow before God to take
responsibility for your family and that is something which should never
be taken lightly. Shirking your family responsibility and shrinking from
your commitments constitute anathema to the will of God. Do not impede
your child’s growth by being too critical towards your spouse. Check your
negative dispositions as soon as possible. Get prepared! Be careful! You are
going to breed a new generation which is only recognized exclusively by
your name, i. e., Mr or Mrs X /Y/ Z’s generation.
A problem rarely crops up abruptly. It is a slow and gradual culmination
of certain minor deviations and disagreements. However, one should
remember that conflicts must be encountered in such a manner as they only
makes the marriage stronger. Problems are not always your enemies: they
make you realize your own fallible humanity and should, if treated correctly,
make you realize the importance of the support and love of your partner.
Small instances of strife should only work towards immunizing your family
from other larger troubles. However, a large number of couples have lost their
faith in the institution of marriage because they have neither the patience nor
the courage to face the exacting demands of such situations. That is why
many marriages are falling apart these days. Lamentably, most couples are
so bent on making mountains out of molehills that they end up exhausting
themselves and are too weak to stand their ground when the larger problems
of life crop up. They are so engaged in fighting for their own rights that
they seem to forget the psychological trauma that their kids must be going
through. Couples’ self-centredness and focus on their own enjoyment at the
cost of interpersonal relationships are common reasons which disturb the
healthy atmosphere of the home. They get carried away by greed, lust and
desires and give priority to obtaining their own pleasure. These behavioural
trends are quite threatening to healthy interpersonal relationships.
This is clearly detrimental to a strong family foundation. Indifference
towards the family or self-absorption may be a reciprocation of the same
message given by the spouse and it only goes to increase the emotional
distance between spouses.
Marriage is a joint venture. It cannot be turned into a selfish endeavour.
There has to be as much ‘give’ in marriage as there is ‘take’: its success and
strength depends on this delicate balance. When you add children into this
complex equation, their well-being and happiness has to be made priority
No.1. It is of decisive importance to remember that the sacrifices you
make today are for a larger cause, a cause bigger than yourself, and having
consequences more far-reaching than you can begin to imagine. Sometimes,
you need to lose a battle, in order to win a war.