Let me give you a brief introduction of how I perceived the modern
marriage develops. The basic nature of the modern marriage is composed
solely of superficial attraction, and knee-jerk reactions, without any
forethought given to different compatibilities and complementary qualities.
This kind of marriage essentially lacks a strong base for trust and respect,
A majority of modern spouses seem to be immature and uncertain
about the real meaning of marriage. Their marriage is initially based on
imagination and fantasies, and when they finally realise the difficult truth
of the non-existence of an ‘effortless marriage’, they often tend to shy away
from putting in the requisite amount of work and inputs into it.
The different roles that a spouse has to enact are ever-changing, and
very few people are willing to accept these changes. A marriage challenges
you to find your own self within another person, search for happiness and
satisfaction through the medium of a person other than yourself, throw away
your rigidities and egoisms, and embrace the beauty of a perfect union. For
a majority of people, marriage turns out to be so much bigger and more
intimidating than they had imagined that they are immediately taken aback
by the enormity of what they have undertaken. And, ultimately, they crack
under pressure of this burgeoning weight and find it easier to give up than
to fight on. This is precisely why we are seeing the rapid trend of divorce
quickly following marriage. Unfortunately, parallel to this trend, there is
another which makes the situation completely pathetic: having a child very
quickly after marriage.
In today’s world, women often earn as much, or even more, than their
husbands. This might lead the husband to develop an inferiority complex,
or conversely, the wife to develop a superiority complex; and either one of
these can turn out to be extremely detrimental to the marriage. When handled
improperly and immaturely, this unequal gap in the earning power, with
the balance shifted in the woman’s favour, seeps into the couple’s personal
lives as well, creating an emotional gap between them. It is imperative for
the couple not to focus on this financial disparity, but, instead, pool in their
money to create a common budget. The money should not be looked upon
as belonging to a certain individual, but rather, as belonging to the whole
family. This will result in greater harmony within the family and ensure
a safe and secure future for the children as well. The husband’s jealousy,
inferiority complex, insecurities and rivalry, arising due to his counterpart’s
higher remuneration, better job status or a more successful professional life,
should not get in the way and cause harm to their conjugal life.
Marriage is supposed to be an institution and your family occupies
the entire space of its hallowed premises. It is reckless and immature to
have children soon after marriage, even as your marriage has not yet been
established on sound and resolute grounds. A child completely changes and
disintegrates all equations. It turns your world upside-down, and brings
about changes in your relationship with your spouse. If you have not put in
enough time and effort into your marriage to form strong and stable bonds
with your spouse, you will never be ready to survive the major upheavals
that a child will most definitely cause. Unfortunately, couples, careless in
‘love’, and immature in thoughts, do not see this coming. What follows can
be as devastating in a weak relationship as it is beautiful in a strong one.
Nevertheless, it should be distinctly understood that planning for a child
even at the incipient stage of the couple’s married life should be devised
with the mutual consent of the couple themselves.
The good news is that there is a fairly simple way to prevent such a
calamitous consequence: WORK on your marriage. This implies spending
time with your partner, respecting each other, making a determined effort
to understand and empathise with each other’s weaknesses and strengths,
letting go of your own harmful ego, and eliminating your rigid attributes by
realising the opportunities that a new-found flexibility of mind will present.
Almost all the negative attributes of humans shoot out of a common
root— RIGIDITY. This eight-letter word is such a common trait as it has
shaped itself into a pattern.
Generally speaking, the meaning of marriage is ‘to create’. This creation
in the form of their own baby brings heavenly pleasures for both the spouses.
They love their children boundlessly. But their responsibilities increase
with passing of time. Their natural care and affections for their spouse start
shifting to their kid. The problems start right from here. Both the spouses
start feeling neglected by his/her counterpart without a realization that life
can change with the increased responsibilities and liabilities. These natural
and real circumstances are bound to come. Their expression of love slowly
turns into profane and acrimonious language. They start blaming each other
for any meaningless reason. They find themselves neglected and rejected by
Integrity in diversity: fusion of distinct
interests, and co-operation
A marriage requires adjustment and compromise, qualities integral for
its sustainability. However, such change and self-sacrifice is a tough task
for anyone, and not surprisingly so. Each partner in the marriage tries hard
to keep his/her identity and perspectives intact, in the process of wishing
the other half to live along the same lines. Obviously, this becomes far too
much to expect, and due to the inflexibilities on either side, differences
do remain in many aspects. Such long-festering differences of opinions
and viewpoints ultimately take a turn for the worse, and when the dam
finally breaks, a flood of unhappiness, discord and pain is released and
the children’s situation is analogous to that of the displaced persons or
refugees—requiring rehabilitation immediately. Some couples try to work
out a stop-gap solution to keep the tensions at bay, for the sake of their child,
by refusing to communicate openly and resorting to external dependencies
to fill the vacuum of love and support. This severely affects their marital
life, and consequently, they go through emotional turmoil, which not only
affects their own physical and psychological constitution, but also, often
unintentionally, ends up hampering the healthy growth of their child.
A good marriage involves a well-balanced outlook and fulfilment of the
wishes, desires, needs and duties of both the partners without any feelings of
prejudice, jealousy or injustice. A successful marriage requires compromise
and sacrifice, ensuring equal importance to the interests and wants of the
spouses. When this balance becomes skewed in either direction, discord and
disagreements start rearing their ugly heads.
The most important ingredient in the recipe of a successful marriage
involves the successful, pleasant and balanced combination of desires and
mutual respect for each other’s interests and requirements. It also includes
equal, unforced participation in activities and decisions made by the other
partner and unconditional support to your spouse. Accept it as a normal
phenomenon. Marriage in itself indicates a new beginning of your life.
Never take it as liabilities. You are not sacrificing nor compromising. You
are taking it as your integral part.